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Path: bloom-beacon.mit.edu!hookup!usc!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!ndr From: ndr@tazboy.jpl.nasa.gov (Niles D. Ritter) Newsgroups: alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre,alt.fan.firesign-theatre,alt.answers,news.answers Subject: Firesign Theatre: Frequently Asked Questions Supersedes: <fs_faq_762198062@tazboy.jpl.nasa.gov> Followup-To: poster Date: 28 Mar 1994 01:51:15 GMT Organization: Jet Propulsion Labs Lines: 823 Approved: news-answers-request@MIT.Edu Distribution: world Expires: 11 May 1994 01:50:53 GMT Message-ID: <fs_faq_764819453@tazboy.jpl.nasa.gov> References: <fs_intro_764819453@tazboy.jpl.nasa.gov> Reply-To: ndr@tazboy.jpl.nasa.gov NNTP-Posting-Host: 137.78.80.135 Summary: This posting contains a list of Frequently Asked Questions (and their answers) about the Firesign Theatre comedy group, and should be read by anyone who wishes to post to the alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre newsgroup. Keywords: firesign,comedy,faq,bozo Originator: ndr@jane Xref: bloom-beacon.mit.edu alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre:1479 alt.fan.firesign-theatre:296 alt.answers:2244 news.answers:16908 Archive-name: firesign-theatre/faq Last-modified: 1994/3/26 Version: 1.12 About This Archive ------------------ This archive is posted monthly to alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre, alt.fan.firesign-theatre, alt.answers, and news.answers. It is also available via anonymous ftp to rtfm.mit.edu in the directory /pub/usenet/alt.answers/firesign-theatre/*, or by sending e-mail to mail-server@rtfm.mit.edu with the message "send usenet/alt.answers/firesign-theatre/*". Include the line "help" in the message for more information on the server. Changes: 0. Another Tour is in the Works! 1. E-mail -> Gopher -> UseNet gateway for reading newsgroup! (see 2.2) New: 1. A Getting Started entry 2. A Who's who entry. Side 2) Firesign Theatre: Frequently Asked questions ===================================================== Contents: 2.-1) Unanswered Questions 2.0) I've just Discovered the F.T! How should I get started? 2.1) How Can I Get Copies of these FAQs? 2.2) How can I contact the NewsGroup with E-mail? 2.3) Who Did Which Roles? 2.4) Any Reunions going on ? 2.5) Where are they now ? 2.6) Common FT Phrases 2.7) Who is Doctor Memory? 2.8) Is it "Back T0 the Shadows" or "..FROM the Shadows" ? 2.9) FT Questions posed to the Usenet Oracle 2.-1) Unanswered Questions billj@terra.osrhe.edu (Bill Johnson) writes, What was the influence for the "Chinese Fireworks" in Bozo's? What B+W Sherlock Holmes movie with Basil Rathbone had an opening sequence strikingly like the one which opens the Hemlock Stones mystery, where he is playing his violin while his asssistant is trying to find food, and both are discussing a case they just finished. 2.0) I've just Discovered the F.T! How should I get started? "Yeah, it sure is strange to read where people would or have started. You start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. When you learn to read you learn a-b-c, when you learn to sing you learn Toad Away...." -- John Scialli The four classic albums are: Waiting For the {Electrician} or Somebody Like Him. How Can You Be in {Two Places} at Once, When You're Not Anywhere At All? Dont Crush that {DWARF}, Hand Me the Pliers I Think We're All {BOZO}'s On This Bus These albums are high on most bozos lists, and are available on CD; See the "Intro" file for sources. The four albums have the logical order listed above, as they all have been conceived as a single episodic journey of an {EVERYMAN}, whose name changes from album to album. See the {EVERYMAN} entry in the Lexicon. Many people also recommend David Ossman's "How Time Flys", as well as "Everything You Know is Wrong". The "Dear Friends" CD's contain transcripts from their early live radio work at KPFK, Radio Free Oz (here's where they sing "Toad Away"). I love the Chinchilla Show on this album, as well as "Freezing Mr. Foster" The "Shoes for Industry" is a 2-CD set containing little snippets from their most popular albums, but for many these excerpts are all teasers with none of the depth of listening to the complete albums. 2.1) How Can I Get Copies of this FAQ? There are many paths: Via UseNet: Posted monthly to alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre, alt.fan.firesign-theatre, alt.answers, and news.answers. Via FTP: As mentioned in the top of this file, you may access the files via anonymous ftp to rtfm.mit.edu, in the directory /pub/usenet/alt.answers/firesign-theatre, there are four files called intro, faq, lyrics and lexicon. Via E-MAIL: The host rtfm.mit.edu runs a mail-server for those without ftp. Send e-mail to mail-server@rtfm.mit.edu, with the message: send usenet/alt.answers/firesign-theatre/* For more information on this server also add the line "help". Via WWW (World-Wide Web): Use the following URL's: file://rtfm.mit.edu/pub/usenet/alt.answers/firesign-theatre/intro file://rtfm.mit.edu/pub/usenet/alt.answers/firesign-theatre/faq file://rtfm.mit.edu/pub/usenet/alt.answers/firesign-theatre/lyrics file://rtfm.mit.edu/pub/usenet/alt.answers/firesign-theatre/lexicon In the near future an HTML-format Hypertext version of these files may also become available. 2.2) How can I contact the NewsGroup with E-mail? POSTING: -------- There is a general service for posting notes to the UseNet newsgroups. To post to alt.comedy.firesgn-theatre, for example, send your message to alt-comedy-firesgn-thtre@cs.utexas.edu Note that the dots in the newsgroup name have been changed to hyphens! The "Internet Services List" contains dozens of other nifty things you can do with just e-mail access, and may be obtained by sending e-mail to mail-server@rtfm.mit.edu, with the message: send usenet/news.answers/internet-services/* READING: -------- In order to READ other people's postings, you may now use the e-mail gopher gateway to the UseNet newsgroup: To use it send e-mail to gomail@myc.ncc.go.jp with the body of the message reading one of the following sets of four lines (try the first set first): Type=1 Path=nntp ls alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre Port=4320 Host=gopher.fsu.EDU Type=1 Path=news group alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre Port=4320 Host=saturn.wwc.edu Type=1 Path=exec:-h alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre:/bin/gonntp Port=70 Host=brolga.cc.uq.oz.au Type=1 Path=nntp ls alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre Port=4320 Host=sdacs.ucsd.edu NOTE: Be sure this is *EXACTLY* what you enter; do not put any spaces around the "=" sign, and make "Type=1" The first line of your message. You will receive back an e-mail response with a list of all of the current postings on alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre. If you then mail this file back to gomail@myc.ncc.go.jp it will mail you each of the articles in a separate posting. If you only want to receive a few of the articles, put an "X" in the file before the ones that you want, and send the modified file back. For more information on the e-mail gopher server, send the message "help" to gomail@myc.ncc.go.jp. BTW, the way that we found these was by using an online list compiled containing all known Telnet and Gopher gateways to USENET. To get this list, and you have "finger", just finger the account lesikar@tigger.stcloud.msus.edu. If you don't have finger, you can send e-mail to b.liddicott@ic.ac.uk, with the subject line reading "#finger lesikar@tigger.stcloud.msus.edu" (be sure to include that #-sign). Not all of these gopher gateways support our favorite newsgroup, so look around... Someday there may be a direct e-mail gateway to archived postings, etc but until then this seems to be the most effective way. 2.3) Who Did Which Roles? This stuff is excerpted from the BBOP book (more to follow): LIEUTENANT BRADSHAW'S SECRET IDENTITY ROSTER: --------------------------------------------- IN DON'T CRUSH THAT DWARF, HAND ME THE PLIERS: ---------------------------------------------- David Ossman Phil Austin Philip Proctor Peter Bergman ------------ ------------- -------------- ------------- George Tirebiter Janitor,Rev.X Pastor Rod Flash Leroy, Arnie News Announcer Rev. Mouse Felix Papparazzi Bohunk,Newscaster Kathy Koffee Surrogate Gen'l K'en, Doc, Mom, Bob Baseline, Peorgie, Lt. Klein, Jerry Yarrow Principal Poop, Warden, Porcelin, Tirebiter, Mrs. Staff Announcer, Pico,Bottles,Sailor Mudhead, Joe Arlene Yukamoto, Dad,Alvarado, Bill,Private, Beets, Dr. Math, Cop, Danny Dollar Hugh, Another Silverberg, Patty, Sgt. Private, Father, Loudspkr Voice, Mudheadski, Son, Commercial Sgt. Schvincter, Madge, Commercial Voice-over, Sarge, Bailiff,Mrs Announcer. Darlene,Bob Hind, Caroline Presky, Bob, Major, General Klein, Announcer 13. Judge Poop, Girl Announcer. ALSO: Annalee (Austin) as the Operator. 2.4) Any Reunions going on ? 2.3.1) Upcoming Events Based on the success of the 93 Reunion Tour another tour is now being planned for 94! Stay Tuned to Elaynes Mailings, "Hot Flashes", and the newsgroups for further instructions! A Reunion Tour came through the US the Fall of 93.See below for reviews of that tour 2.3.2) Reviews of Previous Tours 2.3.2.1 The 25th Anniversary Tour - Seattle,'93 Mark Armantrout writes: About a year ago, something called "Still Waiting for the Electrician" was broadcast out West somewhere, I think Seattle. It contained all of "Waiting for the Electrician ..." and loads of interviews with the Firesign guys, interviewed by David Ossman, I think. The whole broadcast was almost two hours long. Anyway, this tape was broadcast for the second time ever here in B'ton last Sunday night (April 25, 1993) on WFHB, 6-8pm. And I taped it.:) They talk all about how they met, how they wrote, what they were 'into' at the time of Electrician, and about the Summer of Love and hippie stuff in general. And there are a couple skits/announcements that I haven't heard anywhere else. It's really fun to listen to, because the interviews fit in real well with the album, and they integrate the two well. Event two: That same weekend, Richard Fish was out in Seattle attending the Firesign Theatre's 25th anniversary reunion performance. 25th anniversary meaning 25 years since they first met and started working together, or 25 years since they released Electrician. Richard left a tape-recorded phone call with our station, which was played right after the broadcast of "Still Waiting..." Richard had only great things to say about the performance, that it was a lot of old material from all the albums updated a little with references to current events/people, some new material. The audience, he said, joined in on about half the words. Everyone loved it. Richard said that Tom Clancy and Harry Anderson were both there, and are both big FT fans. Michael Cummings writes: I was fortunate enough to be at their 25th reunion show at the Paramount Theatre in Seattle. After the show, Phil Austin said something to the effect, "It's been 8 years since we were all on stage together and this is it." ... They did all old material, with some nice recent news references. For example, during the Nick Danger bit: Lt. Bradshaw (wielding a stick): I'll KING you with this, Rodney! Nick Danger: You're a riot. For a review of the reunion show, see New York Times, May 3 1993. 2.3.2.2 The 25th Anniversary Tour - Fall '93 There was a Reunion Tour of the FT in the Fall of 1993. This was formally announced within the Newsgroup by the first official posting by Peter Bergman, himself: From: ECZ5ESG@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU (Peter Bergman) Newsgroups: alt.fan.firesign-theatre Subject: New Firesign Tour Dates Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1993 21:32 Organization: UCLA Microcomputer Support Office Lines: 8 Sender: MVS NNTP News Reader <NNMVS@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU> Message-ID: <19931022213251ECZ5ESG@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU> Reply-To: ecz5esg@mvs.oac.ucla.edu NNTP-Posting-Host: mvs.oac.ucla.edu HELLO, BOZOS. HERE ARE THE NEW DATES FOR THE FIRESIGN'S 25TH ANNIVERSAR TOUR. DENVER, OCTOBER 28TH; CHICAGO, OCTOBER 30TH; AMHERST, NOVEMBER5TH BOSTON, NOVEMBER 6TH; PHILDELPHIA, NOVEMBER 11TH; WASHINGTON, D.C., NOVEMBER 12TH; NEW YORK CITY, NOVEMBER 13TH; BERKELEY, NOVEMBER 20TH; LOS ANGELES, NOVEMBER 21ST. PUT DOWN THAT PICKLE AND SIGN IT MUDHEAD. PETER BERGMAN C/O ESTHER GRASSIAN (###-"He says he can shout; don't hear you" :-) The general schedule consisted of: Act I Waiting for the Electrician ... The Further Adventures of Nick Danger How Can You Be In Two Places at Once ... Act II I Think We're All Bozos On This Bus Don't Crush That Dwarf ... Encore Newspaper Reviews: ----------------- NY Times review 11/16/93 Boston Herald Preview (11/2/93) and review (11/8/93) Boston Globe Preview (11/3/93) Here are some personal reviews: ------------------------------ 72672.2714@CompuServe.COM (Elayne & Steve Chaput) Writes: Just got back from a party with The Firesign Theatre, and boy are my brains tired! David and Phil P., especially, couldn't have been nicer (they're the ones with whom I've been closest through the years), and both seemed to indicate this is Only The Beginning of the Firesign renaissance. Great news ahead for fans! The show at the Beacon Theatre was, as near as I could tell, COMPLETELY sold out. For the first (and last?) time on the tour, a Special Guest came on stage - the venerable John Goodman, long-time Firesign fan and improv comedy veteran himself (used to hang w/ the Citizen Kafka bunch on WBAI-FM here in NYC). I didn't have the nerve to go up to Mr. Goodman, either before the show, at intermission, or at the party afterwards (which also drew such notables as Larry Josephson, Phoebe Snow and Vaughn Meader), as I'm afraid I'm just Not Good At Things Like That. But Goodman's cameo in Nick Danger (as the guy who calls for the pizza to go and no anchovies) was a lot of fun to watch! They were ON, folks. They were so ON it was scary - it was like they'd never left! It was so joyful to see them, to be there with them and singing (and talking) along from time to time, and listening intently to the new stuff they wove into the old material, I have no words to describe how wonderful it was. Especially thrilling for me was meeting so many of you, and I thank you for coming over and introducing yourselves to me! We have so many new folks for the mailing list, I don't even want to think about it. Yes, folks, I am the Head of the Fireheads. I am the FireHead Head... FIRESIGN IS BACK! **** The editor (ndr@tazboy.jpl.nasa.gov) writes: As I was driving down through the Big Tujunga Canyon, heading towards the final tour stop at the Wiltern in Los Angeles, it began to rain. While listening to the monotonous stacatto of rain on my hood I realized that I had an opportunity to actually whip onto Mulholland drive, just like Nick Danger's old route to the Same Old Place... However, I didn't really want to go to Santa Barbara, so I continued on to the Wiltern. I turned on the radio and realized I was listening to KPFK, where the FT got their start...looks like I've already gone Forward Into the Past! I had spent the morning putting together a set of 4 nicely formatted copies of our newsgroup's Lexicon for the FT, and while standing around the outside of the theatre waiting for the doors to open, an Entertainment Tonight camera crew came by and gave me a chance to read off a few passages of the document. Just then Phil Proctor came by and so I gave him my four copies of the Lex and asked that he give them to the rest of the guys. They loved it. They let us in around 7:30, and we all milled about the Lobby, trading old stories, buying squeeky pickles, etc. Elayne, you will be pleased to hear that your FireSignal Newsletter sign-in sheets attracted a lot of attention. The show didn't get started until around 8:30; people were still outside buying tickets, and at 8:00 there were still a lot of spaces on the ground floor. By 8:30 the place looked pretty much packed, and everyone seemed really excited. When the lights started dimming the crash of noise of people cheering was deafening! The Firesign Theatre was home! Back from the Shadows again! You could tell that they were having a good time up there, and were going back and forth with the enthusiastically noisy (but not obnoxious) crowd. At one point when Nick Danger was fed a particularly potent lead-in line from Rocky Roccoco, Nick looked out at the crowd and yelled "Let me handle this one!" The shows were rather compressed (to allow for more audience participation, DO pointed out at one point), which may have confused some new-comers, but from the way people were joining in it didn't sound like there was nothing but long-time fans, all the way up into the balcony "cheap seats" (not so cheap, Phil A pointed out during the show, getting some cheers out of the raucous balcony people). The only weakness I spotted in the show was an occasionally muted sound system; however, people were quick to yell out "LOUDER", to which the FT guys would immediately respond. I particularly liked the updated versions of the {TWO PLACES} episodes, with the living highway signs and the bumper-stickers, e.g: "My kid passed the Metal Detectors in <X> High School" "My other car is up my nose" and my favorite: "Are you Co-dependent? I can rescue you!" They made many local references ("As the fires lit up over the San Fernandino Valley...", "They won't come up into the hills without an armed escort-- my, Los Angeles has changed a lot!"), and it was clear that in many ways, they felt they had finally "come home" to where it all began. During the intermission, just prior to the start of the second half, they all came out dressed up as the all-vegetable cast and bounced around the audience for a while before running up on stage to start the opening Whisperin' Squash sequence to Bozos. The updated "Dwarf" and "Bozos" were great, and the final scenes with George/Porgie chasing after the ice cream truck was a very poignant finale to the show. Following two standing ovation curtain calls they came back to give a few talks at the end of their tour; DO pointed out that he started doing Porgie at the age of 35, and now that he is almost the age of the old George Tirebiter, he feels that he has just about "grown into" the role. He mentioned that when they recorded "Dwarf" his kids can be heard playing in several spots, and that now, at this show, he was proud to say that his grand-children are in the audience! They finished up with an encore rendition of "Back from the Shadows, again", with full-throated emotional support from the audience. I spent the next hour in line to get my copy of the Lexicon and the "Big Book of Plays" signed, and to make sure that Proctor gave the other guys the Lexicons. Imagine my thrill when Peter Bergman saw my copy of the Lexicon and said "So *You're* the one that produced these!". They thought they were great, and both Proctor and Bergman asked if I could help them out in getting online! (I'll be glad to! :-) **** 2.5) Where are they now ? The FT is currently active again, and just finished their "Illusion of Unity" Reunion Tour (see Reunion Tour, below). Phil Proctor can currently be heard doing character voices on Nickelodeon TV's *Rugrats*. He currently lives in Beverly Hills, CA. Peter Bergman and family are living in Santa Monica. In Spring of 1994, he is teaching a course at UCLA Extension on political comedy; looks like quite a project, based on the course description listed in the LA Weekly. Update: Peter Bergman writes, You can mention that george carlin is in for the opening class. Proctor will do the second class and I'm trying to arrange a reading of one of David Ossman's"Gulliver's Travels" scripts with John Goodman as Gulliver. More to come. Philip Austin has been living and acting in LA. David Ossman lives on Whidbey Island, Washington state, and does a radio show (Ossman's Audiola) at KSER in Everett, Washington, a public radio station. He and his wife produce radio plays, among other projects. He produced the (excellent) 50th anniversary production of the War of the Worlds for NPR in '88 and works with the Midwest Radio Theatre Workshop in Columbia Missouri every spring. See also the "Any Reunions?" question, and the "History" entry in the Introduction. 2.6) Common FT Phrases Here's a few common ones. See also the Lexicon! Ah, Canadian! And there's hamburger all over the highway in Mystic, Connecticut. Back to the Shadows, Again! Bear Whiz Beer: It's in the water! That's why it's yellow! "But... this is a bag of SHIT!"/ "But it's really GREAT shit, Mrs. Presky!" Dear Friends! Dr. Memory! Decision-Making Factor, Absent from Brain! Eat flaming death, fascist media pigs ! Everything you know is wrong! Forward into the Past! Happy Motoring on the Freeway, which is already in Progress! Hey! Corn! Now we can make whiskey/tortillas! He says he can shout; don't hear you! It's just this little chromium switch here! It's okay, they're speaking Chinese... I think we're all bozos on this bus! It's been snowing ever since the top of the page... Loostners Castor Oil Flakes: The All-Weather Breakfast! Mick! Me man't malk mere! (from "Nick Danger") More Sugar! Not Responsible! Park and Lock it! No anchovies? You've got the wrong man.I spell my name...Danger! Not to be torturing me! Oh, hey, he's no fun, he fell right over! Papoon for President! He's Not insane! Raw! Raw! Raw! Shadow Valley Condoms: If you lived here, you'd be home by now! So c'mon, kids -- get on it, and do it every day! So, How about that, Mr. Smarty-pants communist! <pfft!> Mr. College Professor! Mr. Beatnik! Mr. Hippie! Shoes for Industry! They think he is insane, yet, he outranks them/ His Option: Command! This is no movie, this is real! Well, speak of that anon....and on and on anon! Where there's smoke... There's WOOOORK! Wow, that's faster than anyone's ever been gone before! 2.7) Who is Doctor Memory? From "I think we're all bozos on this bus"; a computer doctor running the Future Faire, who said things like: "SYSTAT UPTIME 9:01 unhappy READ MAKNAM" and "hmmm..." Dr. Memory is based on an early "Eliza" type psychiatrist program that ran on a PDP-10. The consensus of the alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre newsgroup experts is that this program was written in (((((Lisp))))), and compiled using the SAILON LISP compiler for the DECSystem10, running TOPS-10 operating system. Tim Rentsch noted that one of these systems was installed at Caltech, and that a former classmate of his demonstrated the program for the FT . There is much evidence that David Ossman attended Claremont McKenna College (then "Claremont Men's College") in his younger days, at which there was one of the first implementations of the Doctor. Tim Brengle writes of the implementation: "CMC is one of the Claremont Colleges, along with Harvey Mudd College, Scripps College for Women, Pomona College, and Pitzer College. Five schools taking up a total of about one square mile. The hot new shared computing resource was a PDP-10 model KA-10 (with 256K bytes of *CORE* memory, and a swapping drum) running Tops-10. This was the same type of machine upon which Weisenbaum created the original DOCTOR program, one of whose scripts was called "Eliza". The program, at least the version I hacked on, was written in Stanford LISP 1.6--which did have a pretty awesome compiler..." The evidence for these detailed descriptions of Dr. Memory are based on the contents of Dr. Memory's commands and error statements: For example, "SYSTAT" was a TOPS-10 command that gave the system status, and "UPTIME" showed how long the system had been running. In addition, the hero (P.) of the story identifies himself as "worker" whenever he wanted to access the internals of the computerized fair; ("This is Worker Speaking, Hello"). It is highly likely that David Ossman saw DOCTOR on the Claremont PDP-10. The way that one started the program was to activate the LISP environment and then execute the form: (worker hello) Up until executing that function, you had to enclose everything in () just as one would expect from LISP. But the WORKER function changed the syntax tables for the parser so that a double carriage-return delimited your statements and told the DOCTOR that it was time to reply. But, there was a bug in DOCTOR, forgetting to take into account that dots have special meaning in LISP. Putting one in the wrong place confused the LISP function MAKNAM ("make name") which was trying to assemble characters into tokens. It returned its error message to the top-level reading function (READ). It's error message was, of course, "READ: UNHAPPY MAKNAM". DOCTOR programs still abound---for example, the Emacs editor, which is written in LISP, has a doctor function built into the distribution. Here's a sample session (which sounds just about as strange as Firesign Theatre's Dr. Memory: I am the psychotherapist. Please, describe your problems. Each time you are finished talking, type RET twice. > Hello, Dr. Memory. How do you do? What brings you to see me? > My name is Ken. Why do you say your name is ken? > Well, because it is. Can you elaborate on that? > My parents named me Ken. Tell me something about your family. > My father was a jelly doughnut. You seem to dwell on your family. > Hey, you asked. Is it because of your plans that you say hey I asked? .... Obviously, not a very bright program. So, how about THAT?!...Mr. Smarty-pants college professor? (razzz!). 2.8) Is it "Back T0 the Shadows" or "..FROM the Shadows" ? Dr. Memory says: Both (in this case); see the "Lyrics" section. Arguments regarding Firesign trivia(eg. is it "Mousers" or "Mausers"?) are often moot, as the shifting meanings and colorations of Firesign Theatricum blend and expand like the colors of the rainbow. To those who ask, "Did they actually say "X" or "Y", the appropriate answer is, "YES !", or, perhaps, "Mu." 2.9) FT Questions posed to the Usenet Oracle The Usenet Oracle has at varying times been confronted by questions that we all know and love over here in alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre. It it interesting to see how the all-ZOTing-one handles the questions. For more info on how to experience the Oracle, look in the newsgroup rec.humor.oracle (archives of Q&A available in /pub/oracle at cs.indiana.edu)! 2.8.1) Put down that Pickle! --- 562-10 ---------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Put down that Pickle! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sounds like you need some psychoanalysis. Since the oracle knows all } your problems anyway, let's do a little one-sided free association. } } Finals? Boredom? That last little niggling irritation that finally } put you over the edge? A life-long antipathy to brine and garlic? A } slow-festering wound caused by a spiny American cucumber? Pathological } fear of cured vegetables? Dread regarding phallic substitutes of a } threatening and, well, to be honest, humbling size? Passionate dislike } of green? Well-grounded fear of botulism or other spoilage? An ill- } remembered childhood memory of a green plush-toy monkey that went } berserk one night under your bed, that your parents *never* quite } believed, even as they soothed you back to sleep? A bad experience } with a green banana (or was it a plantain?), three tequila sunrises, } and a cheap hotel room in Tijuana? (or was it Nogales?). The } aftershocks of total sensory deprivation and/or hallucinogenic } experimentation some 25 years ago? A sudden sour taste in your mouth } as a result of guilt over some horrible deed you just committed? A } frightened reaction to storks that sound like Groucho Marx -- or is it } the strange resemblance of that last infant you saw to a crunchy vlasic } dill? The successful repression of heterosexual desire symbolized by } the Vlasic Stork (i.e. procreation) and its sublimation into sexual } hostility and fantasy and then the frightened reaction to these } returned fantasies? } } You owe the oracle a copy of Freud's "Jokes and their Relation to the } Unconscious" and a jar of half-sours, preferably spicy ones. ------------------------------ 2.8.2) Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers! --- 529-09 ---------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@shell.portal.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Don't crush that dwarf! Hand me the pliers! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Goodman Feeblebrook, the 7th level Mage, removes the +5 Holy Pliers } of St. Christopher from the protective box with awe and reverence. } Wordlessly, he hands the artifact to Artemis Strongarm, the 9th level } Ranger. } "Hurry up!" shouts the Dwarf, Gimli Oakenleg, the party's 6th level } Fighter/Thief. His voice is muffled, due to the fact that his head is } currently being crushed between two rocks that are part of a } pressure-plate trap the Dwarf had been attempting to disarm. } "Okay," snaps Artemis. "I've never done this before, you know..." } "Just clamp those things over the release nut and turn it counter- } clockwise," the Dwarf returns. "And do it QUICKLY!" } "Right." Artemis clamps the pliers down on the nut and pushes on } the artifact with all of his 18(56) strength. Somewhere in the } distance, the sound of a plastic dodecahedron can be heard. With a } loud grunt, the Ranger successfully turns the screw through } one-and-a-half rotations. } "YOU DID IT!" exclaims Feeblebrook. "Boy Gimli, I'll bet you have } a headache the size of-- uh oh." Feeblebrook's premature celebration } is cut short by the sight that greets him when he turns to greet his } Dwarven companion. "Oh, YUCK! I guess we should have remembered that } clocks run the other way in the Dwarven Lands..." } Artemis grimly examines the remains of the Fighter/Thief, then } calmly turns to address the audience. "Is there a Cleric in the } house?" } } You owe the Oracle 500 gold pieces and a Ring of Water Breathing. 2.8.3) How do I make my voice do this? From Group #118 ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do I make my voice do this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm... lets see... this is a tough one. } } Place your left hand against your throat, with your thumb } against your right jugular vein and your fingers up around } your left ear. Hold your nose between your right thumb and } middle finger. Put your index finger against your forehead } and your pinky finger between your front teeth. Purse your } lips. Bend over and place your head between your knees, or as } far down as you can reach (if you can reach, you are not doing } it right). Curl your upper lip as if you smelled something } bad. Anything you say in this position will come out like } this. } } You owe the oracle a self-portrait, in this position. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 2.8.4) Why does the porridge bird lay his eggs in the air? No answers to this one have (yet) made it to the Oracularities. Many are called but few are chosen... 2.8.5) How can you be in two places at once (when you're not anywhere at all)? No answers to this one have (yet) made it to the Oracle archives; although we have the following related Q & A: --- 544-05 ----------------------------------------------------------- > Yeah, Mr. Oracle? This is Thom Dewey, from Dewey Stickem & Howe? > Yeah, yeah, that's us. Well, look, that dame? Her lawyer called > back,and he said that the blood test matched and they're going to make > a motion for a DNA sample. Yeah, I know, they can do that now. It's > pretty accurate, Mr. Oracle. I can fight the motion, but I don't know > if we'll win...are you SURE you were giving a speech in Missoula at the > time? The prosecution is going to try and pull that > omnipotent-beings-can-be-in-two-places-at-once stuff again, you know? > This is almost as bad as that little Southern number last year. I > know, I KNOW, I shouldn't have mentioned it. I'm sorry, Mr. Oracle. > Look, all she wants in child support; if we pay her off, it won't go to > court and Lisa will never know. Do you think we should cut a deal? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thom, don't worry about it. I've looked into the matter, and, being an } omnipotent being, have rectified the situation. The DNA from me won't } match up. As a matter of fact, the only person whose DNA _will_ match } up is her lawyer. Funny how that works. Bring that up at the next } meeting. } } You owe the Oracle a judicial precedent for suing God, plus a way of } collecting damages. --- 544-09 ------------------------------------------------------------ > Yeah, Mr. Oracle? This is Thom Dewey, from Dewey Stickem & Howe? > Yeah, yeah, that's us. Well, look, that dame? Her lawyer called back, > and he said that the blood test matched and they're going to make a > motion for a DNA sample. Yeah, I know, they can do that now. It's > pretty accurate, Mr. Oracle. I can fight the motion, but I don't know > if we'll win...are you SURE you were giving a speech in Missoula at the > time? The prosecution is going to try and pull that > omnipotent-beings-can-be-in-two-places-at-once stuff again, you know? > This is almost as bad as that little Southern number last year. I > know, I KNOW, I shouldn't have mentioned it. I'm sorry, Mr. Oracle. > Look, all she wants in child support; if we pay her off, it won't go to > court and Lisa will never know. Do you think we should cut a deal? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is a loving being, and it should be known to those who would } criticize my actions that, even though I am omnipotent, I have needs. } } The Oracle is a responsible being, for I know the wisdom of the } ancients says that responsibility for your actions is a part of being } great. } } The Oracle is also a generous being, and is, in fact, wealthy enough } to support numerous children without even noticing a difference in } his bank books. } } The Oracle, is, however, not to be challenged by any mere mortal. Have } my snipers drop her, and bring me the kid. } } You never got this letter, understand? } } The Oracle demands payment of one weeks' retainer fees. Now, go, and } carry forth my orders.